Exorcism II (lost dogs)

Today, i am here again facing myself in the silence...
During the day I realise myself picking up my phone several times with the will to text you...with a will to send you a music that reminds me of us...and in the moment i am doing it, i stop myself, its like a way to stop feeding expectations, and the need to learn how to deal with your absense.

When we spoke at lunch time i felt like grabing you in my arms and tell you that everything is going to be all right. Like you i was holding my tears when i was talking to you.

In this short but intense path we have been together i wonder if the meaning of my presence in your life is simply to help you release yourself from your current situation and for you to get the reigns of your life and for me to learn that i can love, that i can go to places inside of me that i was never before. Its so good to be able to walk around the "house" like this, without being afraid to enter rooms with the door closed.
I also question myself about this connection....what makes this connection to be strong in a concrete emotional way?
I am curious to understand what kind of person will i be after going to all this wild sea of emotions. I want to sail thru this, i want to face the ocean, after all, "quiet oceans do not make good sailors", :) and i want to be a good sailor to be able to express my feelings to someone else like i was able to express them to you...
Sometime in this silence...i realise the tears falling down on my face...and i am not afraid to let them come out..i am just afraid to lose the key to the door of this room where i found all this emotions that i thought lost...

I love you in any form...and for me its very difficult to accept the reality sometimes. Thats why i am in  confrontation with all these feelings so i can accept all this and live in peace with this feeling....but i think that this is the most difficult task in the world, but i will make it i know i will make it.

You know, i just wouldn't mind to grab your hand and to live with you, independent of money social status, work...anything...i could turn my life upside down to be able to share it with you, for me what i feel for you its the most precious form of wealthiness...and its amazing how all the pieces between us fit together...in a way that i imagine everything with you.
When i heard you saying that your mother was telling you that you could dedicate your self to the horses, my first thought was, indeed and i know exactly a place where she can do that :)

What makes a person not to follow his/her passion, if it looks that everything is there...
Its a very paradoxal emotion, the fact that i want to stop feeling this pain, but at the same time i dont want to leave this state of love.
I love you Teresa and i think i always will.

"Exorcism

Today i was totally alone, trying to do some work, but in the silence of my thoughts...its so silent here today...
In this silence i can ear my heart beating and i realize once again that what i feel for you can only be love...and i felt this only one time more in my entire life.
I started by not feel nothing for you not even desire...but with time and with our proximity, our talks, our words, your laugh, your smile, your way of walk, your eye expression the path we were going thru as friends...started this in me, and when i realized it, i didnt wanted to stop no more.
You know, there is nothing that you would do that would make me not love you...what i mean with this is that you could be fat, and bold that i would still love you, when i realize this i think that, what is this other than love.
Everything with you flows naturally without any kind of forced movement...its harmony, isnt this love? Then i question what makes a person not to stay in a relationship like this, if its mutual, i don´t know, i don´t have answer for that, but i don´t need also, i have the facts, you are not here? but you are. But i know today that its not mutual.
It so stupid thought, and really, i was always afraid when i was dating someone about the kids issue, but with you, i was dreaming also about that..that i would not mind to have kids with you. I had finally found love...and i never thought i was going to experience it anymore after the first time :) i am glad it happened, its possible :)...its like i was walking all this time in a dark room, bumping against the furniture and then you came and turned the light on....you know i was willing to go with you right until the end of the world and back....to experience without fear all we had to experience, to help you find your passion, like i believe the horses are....even sexually, our open mind would allow us other experiences..., and every time i kiss you...i hug you or i am inside you i feel like part of you and that we belong to each other...looks like i was wrong :)
I still have all the your words in my mind about what we were going to do together in our lives...that you couldn´t see you in another way than with me in Portugal, but we would have to make things in a good way not to hurt other people, but i don´t want to think about it now....i need to deal with the facts.
Then i start to receive this fucking serenataflowers.com newsletters every fucking second,,,like a needle sticking in my chest to remind me of everything again...
You know when you were close to me all my body responded physically, in a natural way...my heart accelerates and i fell the most beautiful feeling ever...i fell butterflies in my belly, i could stay here all night i wouldn't be able to find words to express what i feel for you....
Then i remember about what you told me about your friends words that you look happier...and suddenly all changes...in favor of a relationship that i will not judge...in favor of construction and effort...and of course also feelings...or dependency i don´t know. How fair is that...
I am still trying to understand why you appear in my life like this and now you leave like this also....what lesson should i learn from this...whats the meaning of this in my path, in my karma. Why did life brought us together...why.
I Love you T. i dont know when i will be ready to love again like this...but i guess it will also happen without warning...so i will be enjoying life in the meanwhile, and if it doesnt happen its ok, i experienced it already :)
Today more than ever...the phrase that beauty is in the eyes of the one who sees it, makes true sense to me.
Well i will leave you, y´re probably and hopefully enjoying your weekend."

Oiço a minha respiração.

A primeira coisa que me vem ao pensamento és tu Maria, na alegria que trazes a minha vida.

Custa me vir embora ao domingo a tarde e deixar te...é como se te abandonasse todos os fins de semana.

Olho aqui a minha volta e nao consigo gostar desta vida profissional. Talvez pela dificuldade/prguiça que tenho en agarrar um desafio que me exponha perante outros, Nao gosto de competir, gosto de trabalhar em conjunto...hoje nao me apetece mais...estou cansado.

Que Deus me ajude para que possa ajudar outros.

Finalmente...
Preciso de colo, preciso de amigos, preciso de nao me sentir só. Sinto-me cansado emocionalmente.
Tem sido um ano muito dificil, cheio de grandes altos e baixos. Gostava de perceber o que tudo isto me vai trazer.
Sinto cansado profissionalmente, desiludido farto de engolir sapos devido a minha incapacidade de competir. Estou cansado de tentar competir profissionalmente, os meus niveis de auto confiança estao muito em baixo, acho me um incapaz e sinto me numa corda bamba prestes a cair.
Levanto me todos os dias com uma força renovada, pensando, hoje vou conseguir.
Os meus colegas no trabalho, 95% cinicos, falam todos mal nas costas uns dos outros....racistas, ego á flor da pele, inseguros, mas afinal o mundo é assim cheios de pessoas assim, assadas ou cozidas...
Tenho dificuldade em perceber onde tudo isto me vai levar...e em que estado vou la chegar.
Penso e tento mil e uma coisas para me motivar todos os dias pela manha quando me levanto...é uma tarefa titanica. Vai me valendo os pensamentos sobre as situacoes que passo com a Maria Flor, o Prana e as sessoes de tow in na Nazaré...o mar lava-me a alma.
Nao tenho ninguem neste momento que se disponibilise para ouvir me...para conversar como fazem dois amigos, sem filtros, como esta tao na moda hoje dizer...hipocrisia...
Questiono cada vez mais a minha existencia..a consciencia que tenho de mim...distraio me com o facebook, whatssup, internet em geral....vido uma vida carregada de online, para tentar culmatar este vazio..e o pior é que eu sei que isto nao é o caminho....e olho a minha volta e a maioria das pessoas vai por aqui...pela vida virtual...cada vez menos sozinhos, mas cada vez mais isolados...

Maria,

não há dia ou momento que não pense em ti, hoje como em muitos outros dias dou por mim a rir me sozinho ou a lembrar me de um gesto teu....na piscina toda satisfeita na agua :)...deitada ao meu lado a fazer me uma festa com essa mãozinha tão pequena....enche-me o coração. Eu a perguntar te onde estava eu a trabalhar e tu a responderes no intermarche, e a olhares para mim com esse ar malandro :):):):), de lado, comose estivesses a provocar...adoro quando dizes....Pai, vamos brincar as cocegas, com a alegria de que isso é a melhor coisa do mundo....efectivamente é uma das :):):):). Ponho me a pensar no que poderias ser se eu e a tua mae estivessemos no mesmo registo. Não me consigo imaginar viver sem ti,mas nao consigo viver coma tua mãe. Rompendo com ela sinto que rompo contigo. Sabes que isto não é algo recente...infelizmente eu e a tua mãe nao nos entendemos, e eu, ou saio deste trajecto e tento ser feliz de outra maneira ou então vou apodrecer muito rapidamente.

Espero que me perdoes minha filha.

...novamente, nao consigo deixar este sentimento de mal amado, de solidão, de tristeza...
onde estou eu...para onde vou, sinto me a morrer por dentro...
quero viver, mas estou sem forças, gostava de partilhar um caminho...de crescer juntamente com alguem....sinto me sufocado, tenho que mudar alguma coisa na mnha vida...nao me sinto amado, culpo me por tudo isto, penso que nao deveria estar a pensar estas coisas, mas nao me consigo libertar disto...faco um caminho duro, sem contact fisico, estou carente de amor de atenção, como qual criança abandonada. Penso em acabar a minha relação actual, estupidamente num pretexo para o fazer...sinto me perdido, sozinho e a morrer por dentro como as plantas quando nao sao regadas, penso em ser feliz de outras formas...nao vou mais a ceder a chantagens emocionais...vou seguir...
Que triste este blog parece só depressão...mas eu nao sou so isto. tambem sou alegria vontade de viver...