"Exorcism

Today i was totally alone, trying to do some work, but in the silence of my thoughts...its so silent here today...
In this silence i can ear my heart beating and i realize once again that what i feel for you can only be love...and i felt this only one time more in my entire life.
I started by not feel nothing for you not even desire...but with time and with our proximity, our talks, our words, your laugh, your smile, your way of walk, your eye expression the path we were going thru as friends...started this in me, and when i realized it, i didnt wanted to stop no more.
You know, there is nothing that you would do that would make me not love you...what i mean with this is that you could be fat, and bold that i would still love you, when i realize this i think that, what is this other than love.
Everything with you flows naturally without any kind of forced movement...its harmony, isnt this love? Then i question what makes a person not to stay in a relationship like this, if its mutual, i don´t know, i don´t have answer for that, but i don´t need also, i have the facts, you are not here? but you are. But i know today that its not mutual.
It so stupid thought, and really, i was always afraid when i was dating someone about the kids issue, but with you, i was dreaming also about that..that i would not mind to have kids with you. I had finally found love...and i never thought i was going to experience it anymore after the first time :) i am glad it happened, its possible :)...its like i was walking all this time in a dark room, bumping against the furniture and then you came and turned the light on....you know i was willing to go with you right until the end of the world and back....to experience without fear all we had to experience, to help you find your passion, like i believe the horses are....even sexually, our open mind would allow us other experiences..., and every time i kiss you...i hug you or i am inside you i feel like part of you and that we belong to each other...looks like i was wrong :)
I still have all the your words in my mind about what we were going to do together in our lives...that you couldn´t see you in another way than with me in Portugal, but we would have to make things in a good way not to hurt other people, but i don´t want to think about it now....i need to deal with the facts.
Then i start to receive this fucking serenataflowers.com newsletters every fucking second,,,like a needle sticking in my chest to remind me of everything again...
You know when you were close to me all my body responded physically, in a natural way...my heart accelerates and i fell the most beautiful feeling ever...i fell butterflies in my belly, i could stay here all night i wouldn't be able to find words to express what i feel for you....
Then i remember about what you told me about your friends words that you look happier...and suddenly all changes...in favor of a relationship that i will not judge...in favor of construction and effort...and of course also feelings...or dependency i don´t know. How fair is that...
I am still trying to understand why you appear in my life like this and now you leave like this also....what lesson should i learn from this...whats the meaning of this in my path, in my karma. Why did life brought us together...why.
I Love you T. i dont know when i will be ready to love again like this...but i guess it will also happen without warning...so i will be enjoying life in the meanwhile, and if it doesnt happen its ok, i experienced it already :)
Today more than ever...the phrase that beauty is in the eyes of the one who sees it, makes true sense to me.
Well i will leave you, y´re probably and hopefully enjoying your weekend."